*This Week’s Horoscopes*

*Scorpio:* You won’t believe what the stars have in store this week. So I’m not going to fucking well tell you.

*Gemini:* Mercury moves into the house of repressed memories, so now is a good time to ask your parents why Uncle Frank is never invited to family gatherings.

*Libra:* It is time you realised that those limited edition Sneaker Pimp 12″ singles are not ‘Going to be well pricey one day”. Throw them out, you ageing tit.

*Cancer:* Nobody ever gets over their first love but a chance encounter this week will make you realise that they very quickly got over you.

*AIDS:* If desperation truly is the worst cologne, this week you will stink like a Yorkshire vet’s fist.

*Space Otter:* Why did you buy another box of Oxo cubes? You’ve already got five of them in the cupboard, for christ’s sake.

*One That Looks Like A Goat:* That feeling you’ve had since childhood that you were destined for something special will be borne out this week when you are slaughtered by an infamous serial killer.

*Aquarius:* Facebook, Twitter, MySpace – how many more ways do you need showing that nobody cares about you?

*Mondeo:* Something about changes in the workplace and a new relationship starting. Either that or it’s something to do with a phone call. I could care less, frankly.

*Bison:* The past is a foreign country and so is Uganda. Three guesses where you’re going to end up by Friday.

*Capricorn:* A reunion with old school friends is on the cards. You’d better get started inventing what you’ve done with your life for the past twenty years.

*Capricorn I:* According to your astrological chart, approximately four million people in Britain will have exactly the same kind of week that you’re going to have.

*Gladiator:* It will soon become apparent that you don’t even like 80% of what’s on your iPod. John Cougar Mellencamp? What were you thinking?